11:49pm 

//

i remember lying there looking into the stars with all my happiness in mind and thinking oh how this will kill when it all goes, i was wrong 

i dosent kill 

no, it destroys, you are still alive you have sit back and watch your whole life get torn apart and theres absolutely nothing you can do about it.

theres this feeling of emptiness inside of me a missing piece thats consuming me and my thoughts like a illness, a disease 

i guess thats what it is. 

i look for belonging for something that will fill this hole within but i cant seem to find something big enough to fill the hole 

what am i left with the memories of my past when i didn't have to cry myself to sleep or times where i wouldn't lay in the dark staring at the ceiling and literally feel nothing 

how i took the little things in life that made me happy for granted 

if i could do one last thing it would to be to go back in time 

not to change certain actions or the past but the feel those things again 

love

happiness

a sense of belonging 

at times there are moments i forget about whatever I've become it kinda like the moment consumes me i forget about the hole for a second 

but its still there 

bigger than ever 

the moment of escape from my mind did not help 

no its deepened the hole 

Im slowly losing myself 

its starting to get too deep 

how do i get out 

where did all my happiness go 

i want it back 

i need it back 

yet its so far away 

Im so alone theres no one to help 

so now I'm alone with nothing but my emptiness, my beautiful memories 

and i try to relive theses moment but they are gone.

i cant do this anymore 

i cant continue living within such pain such unnecessary sadness 

where did it all go wrong 

how did i end up like this 

i close my eyes 

and there it all is right in fount of my eyes yet so out of reach 

//

12:23pm

L xo